Cigarrette and Words

I just woke up in the middle of the night. Felt like writing something. Lit a cigerrette, a few short puffs then a long one, it feels great. Feeling of smoke filling my lungs. It doesn’t worry me, damaging my lungs. Just enjoying…

I don’t know what is happening inside me or why am i so unsettled or what is unsettling me; may be i am not unsettled. Just this nagging feeling of going somewhere, far away from everything. I always wanted to go far, always felt this call. May be it is just my imagination or my mind is playing tricks with me. Whenever i get into some sort of rythym, i became unsettled. May be there is something wrong with me or i am just scared to push on. I am smoking, smoke fills my lung, i exhale again…

I don’t have any particular reason or subject to write about, only the urge to write something, anything. May be just to spend some time with words and thoughts. Again, i am not very good at putting my thoughts in words. Yet i do so every now and then. Sometimes it makes sense to me, sometimes it doesn’t. It is all a game, may be. May be i am trying reach someplace but everytime i reach a destination, something else beakons me…

What the hell. I finished my last cigarrette. It always ends so suddenly whenever i start to enjoy it. Am i scared of enjoying life because it is suppose to end suddenly? It makes me laugh sometime. It’s time stop this nonsense…

Good Night…

Random movement of a rambling mind showing linear motion

We, BDlings, usually have no clue, how contradictory our own personality/ mental process/ value system/ Perception can get…
– Women- Tell them to change their shoes, they will do gladly…but tell them to change their tops, they may not take it so lightly….
– Men- Tell them to change their deodorant, they will…but tell them to change their opinion about something, they may make you eat your words…

We think finding one inefficiency or flaw into anything makes it Negative or unacceptable or bad; when we all know there is no such thing as 100% perfect or positive or good…’Nothing’ cannot turn into ‘Something’ in this existing system of life and the universe…Anything and everything transforms from one thing to another. Soil becomes brick, brick becomes wall, wall becomes a confinement, confinement becomes a world, world becomes a home, home becomes affection, affection becomes love, love becomes bonding, bonding becomes family, family becomes life…blah becomes blah and blah becomes blah…
And every transformation is always limited between two extreme points, “GOOD” and “BAD“…or “negative” and “positive“…or “EFFECTIVE” and “INEFFECTIVE“…or “LIKE” and “DISLIKE“… or “FAIR” and “UNFAIR“…or “BLACK” and “WHITE“….There is no clear middle ground or neutral point…it is very hard to get to… So, we don’t like to practice neutrality, at least, not anymore…If you have no opinion, you are food for someone else with an opinion…Nobody wants to be food, so we form our own opinion and leave no room for any other opinions, new ideas…Even though we think we are seeking new ideas but we will only pick proven things and ideas because everything else will feel inefficient or flawed because of our understanding or lack of understanding about what we started with… So finding one inefficiency or flaw keeps us in the cycle or completes the intended cycle…
As a result, we are becoming more and more rigid, self-centered (not in the sense of self judgement but in the sense of do whatever you want by being inconsiderate to others), extremely opinionated…so we are exaggerating our own value, knowledge, comprehension, confidence, capacity, dedication, devotion, quality, virtue, sanity, sanctity etc. etc. blah blah, every word in the dictionary (may be)…
That’s why peace is so hard to find here because it lies somewhere in the middle of that scale, somewhat (UN)opinionated…And we all know, keeping that balance and neutrality is easier said than done…

Hope it make sense…